Justin Tosco-Branch's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Justin Tosco-Branch [ website | fake ] [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

[05 Mar 2005|12:56pm] [ mood | in awe ] I'm going to be a Dad. There's no other words to say, I'm not going to highlight certain text in paragraphs to spell it out. I'm not going to speak of everything around the actual topic, and leave you guessing. I'm going to be a Father. And knowing this fact, knowing that the crucial first semester has passed without any major hiccups, and to be able to speak of my joyous news I've known about for four months. Michelle and I have been keeping the news to ourselves until a couple of weeks ago. We went back to NC, and my Mom commented how 'radiant' she looked. She glanced at Michelle, and then back at me, her eyebrows raised. Michelle and I started laughing in a mass of hysterical giggles (Yes, I am man enough to say I giggle), and we finally told spoke to someone else about our joy. My Mom jumped up from the seat, and wrapped us both into a tight hug at the same time, and I could see tears in the creases of her eyes threatening to spill out. Both of our families were worried we were jumping into things too fast. But after dating her back in 1999, and watching her slip throug my fingers, the second chance to have her back into my life I wasn't going to let anyone pull us apart again. I knew, even at a young age of 16, that she was the one for me. When we fell apart a few months later back then and seeing her moving on, seeing her get everything she wanted in her music career; turning on MTV and seeing her songs she used to play sitting cross legged on my single bed to me, made me realize I was still in love with her as much as the first day we met in Vegas. You know when people say they just knew when they had met "the one"? It's completely cliche and cheesy when I say I felt the butterflies the first time we were introduced, but I'm not going to deny what I feel. So when we got back together, I asked myself how I could be so lucky to have such an amazing woman by my side, giving me soft pouty kisses against mine, murmuring "Iloveyoutoo" when I told her how much I adored her. The first time I heard those words, I thought my heart would push itself out my chest. She's amazing. I'm flawed, and every morning I wake up and I can't believe we are back together, she is mine, she is my wife, and she is carrying my child. My child. A little boy or girl that's going to be a blend of myself, and a blend of Michelle. And I hope that the baby has more of Michelle's genes than mine, for the baby's sake. If I could make little replicas of Michelle, with exactly all her qualities and looks, I would. I would love a perfect little girl, to be just like her Mommy. I'm going to be a Dad. The child is going to be mine and Michelle's. Can someone please wake me up from this incredible dream I've been living for the past twelve months? 7 comments|post comment

[19 Dec 2004|10:31pm] I think my ass is going to physically get kicked right back to North Carolina if I don't update. And because I'm not fond of ass kicking, here you go. It's been nice, to say the very least. This time of the year is when everyone gets together (and when I say everyone, I mean it; both families are coming to the area) and just...enjoy each other's company. Michelle and I have been doing that a lot, just being with each other. It's nice, you know? Not having to worry about going to a hundred parties or jumping from place to place. Just being in one spot is really nice. We spent a couple of days decorating...of course we were enjoying the eggnog at the same time, so needless to say, some of the stuff isn't exactly straight. It'll do, though. Hey, you can't have everything perfect, now can you? It's been really peaceful here, listening to constant Christmas music playing in the background. I have no idea why this is taking me so damn long to write. I tend to get distracted by other websites full of hilarious commentary of tv shows and I forget this is here. Hm. I think on that note, I should go; I don't think I'm proving to be the most entertaining person ever. Maybe nextr time, huh? 1 comment|post comment

[02 Nov 2004|11:10am] It's been nearly two months since I last wrote in here and the worst part is? I have no idea what to write. No idea whatsoever. post comment

[09 Sep 2004|09:59am] [ mood | crazy ] 2004-07-29 06:05:01, 6 weeks ago (someone isn't updating their account!) Wow. I suck. I would say Michelle is a distraction, but hell, I don't even think she'd buy it. That is my excuse, though. Michelle is extremely distracting. Otherwise, life has been extremely normal. Well, for me, anyway. Touring a little, hanging out a little, livcing a little. it's what we do, and it's all awesome. We've attempted some demo stuff, and I'm really proud of it all, although I'm, although I'm not sure how much good it'll do. But you know what? If it does nothing, I think I'll be fine with it. The place where we're at is perfectly fine with me. People seem to enjoy us and that's all that matters. Let's see, what else to talk about. It seems like I should ramble on about something, because I haven't updated in so long. It's fairly boring over here, so that's the reason I haven't updated. Nick still has facial hair, which i think is really disturbing, and he turns more fratboyish every single day. I've cut my hair and dyed it for the 948684858th time, but at least it's not blonde. It's closer to my natural color than it's been in awhile and I'm happy about that. I got to hang out iwth my good friend Paul Christianson and introduce him to my friend in college, because he's going to school in NC. Me and Michelle hang out a lot. Um....that's it, I suppose. I'm trying , I swear. YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT NOW, K. 3 comments|post comment

[29 Jul 2004|08:56am] I promised Michelle I'd update and I'm not one to break my promises. I just delay them. We're in Hawaii right now, isn't that exciting. Michelle has a show tonoght, so that's rather exciting. We've spent more time in the air than on the ground, but hey, it's fun. I like going around with her, it's just really fun. I don't know how else to describe it, I suppose. Last week, the band had a show in Charlotte. It was weird, man. I don't know...it's been awhile since we all got together, and yeah, I miss them a lot, I'll admit it. But at the same time, I couldn't be happier that we're living the life we are. It was just amazing to sing those songs for her, because...well, they're all for her. All of them. Every single thing I do now is about her, honestly. And this update sucks. Michelle, I'm sorry :[ I swear, the next update will be mind blowing. 1 comment|post comment

[08 Jul 2004|12:13pm] [ mood | happy ] Michelle's birthday was spent much the way our `honeymoon` was spent, but with better alcohol and a much better room. Okay, so it was the house, but it was a lot less tackiy. Although, I did miss the mirrors on the celing...anyway, we went out to dinner, came home and got amazingly trashed. No party or anything, but I figure we have a big party coming up soon, so we may as well save our energy. So We're back in Charlotte. I figured it was best to tell the parents about the marriage in person, and besides, I have a solo show today, so it's a buisness thing. So we arrived yesterday morning, and went straight to my parents' house in Charlotte to break the news. Thier reaction? `What took you so long?` Hah, figures. My mother wished she had been there, so I told her that we were going to have a `real` wedding soon, but I wasn't sure when. She hoped it would be sooner rather than later, but hey, no promises can be made. Being married isn't much different from living with her. Of course, there's ring for our lifelong commitment, but otherwise...it's the same. I'm not going anywhere and neither is she. Okay, and she's right. The sex is about a million times better. Right, and I don't know where this entry is going, so I'm out. I must go entertain the family and the wife. 23 comments|post comment

[22 Jun 2004|01:05pm] I'm insanely lazy when it comes to this thing...sorry? Hah. I think Michelle is the only one who cares anyhow! But hey, it could be worse, no one could care. Anyway. Yesterday was 4 months of being together for us, and we went to a movie to celebrate. Oh, did I mention it was a premiere of a movie? We went to the premiere of The Notebook and Michelle was far too excited for her own good. Of course, I did my usual thing by hanging out in the background while everyone took pictures of her. It's nice to be anonymous sometimes. Other times, it's not so nice, but hey, whatever. My good friend Paul Christianson has decided to go back to school and oddly enough, he's going to UNC. I love how he chooses to do these things ONCE I LEAVE CHARLOTTE but whatever. It would've been really cool to have him leave with me instead of the roommate I had before but I guess he'll have to live with that roommate now. Hahahaha, I am really evil sometimes, I think. I like L.A. though. The weather isn't bad and the company isn't, either. I want to go see more of the city but at the same time, hanging around the house and doing nothing at all with Michelle is quite fun too. We go in the pool sometimes and we watch movies and do stupid things like that, and it's just completely prime for us. I like the band's taking the summer off, because it means I don't have to rush off to Charlotte anytime soon. I miss my family, but hey, she's part of my family, too. This is getting long, but not so long that none of you read it. I am going to end this now. Bye. 31 comments|post comment

[22 May 2004|09:48pm] I was going to make a cheesy "it's been so and so weeks since my last update" but ah...not feeling clever enough. Sorry. Not much has changed. We're still on our road trip, the location of which wil remain secret to all of you. Muahaha.I'm enjoying it. We're both made to be on the road, it seems. I've always enjoyed touring, but this...this is different. For one thing, we actually get to go out and see the city we're visiting. For another it's just her and me; no bands, no entourage, no friends. It's a nice arrangement. Cheaper, too. We tend to stay in cheap motels and visit places off the beaten path. Again, something else that is typical of us. Our annivesary was yesterday, but in general, we're very low key about it. It's already been three months, which in a weird way seems like so much yet so little at the same time. Yeah, we've knon each other five year and yes we've been in love with eac other most of that time but the fact that it took 4 years and about 9 months to actually realize that and act on it? That's when you realize three months isn't so long. But I'm so happy about every single second of the last three months. And I have officially stopped making sense. So I am done with this entry. Good night. post comment

[29 Apr 2004|10:11am] Being away from Michelle is not a place I like to be, to be honest with you. But then again, it's something that has to be dealt with, for the moment anyhow. Tuesday was spent wandering New York City, although with her being sick, we didn't do as much as expected. We woke up early to watch the sun rise over the harbor and it's just one of the more amazing things I've seen. We walked the city, hand in hand, not much to do, but in each other's company. It was a really nice way to spend the day off. They say love blinds you, but I find I've been the exact opposite. Love has made me see more clearly, and things make more sense now. Everything is a bit clearer, as it were glass cleaned off with Windex. Ok, that's a horrible comparison, I'll admt but I'm not sure how else to describe it. I miss her, I'll admit. I know I'll be seeing her still, but when she's not here...I'm not as full as I should be. Only a few days, Justin. Only a few days. post comment

I've become really horrid at this updating buissness [16 Apr 2004|10:34am] Recently, I've been pretty much given the reason as to why all my previous relationships ended badly save for one. I mean, I knew but I now I know. You going to have to let me explain because I know this isn't making much sense. A couple of weeks back, while we were on tour and Michelle was off doing her thing, I met up with the one girlfriend I have even a resemblance of a friendship with. All the other ones....I don't even talk to. Anyway, we randomly saw each other at a coffeeshop and we ended up sitting down and talking for a couple of hours. We got to talking about what's going on in our lives and when I told her I was with someone, she responded with "Michelle?" I asked her how she knew and she responded by telling that there was no way I could be as possibly be as happy as I seemed with anyone else. She later told me that when she and I were together, she kind of always knew that I always compared her to Michelle, and that probably all the others knew too, which is why they all ended badly. And she's right, and I know that. I did compare every single girl to her....even if it was subcociously. That's not a good thing, but I suppose that's how it just worked out. I am really horrible at this journal buissness, this update is done. post comment

[07 Apr 2004|01:54pm] [ mood | giddy ] Really, I had intended to write this entire long post....but then I realized there any owrds to describe this. For the moment, anyhow. So for now you all get this semi cryptic message: Never have I been happier after uttering three words. 5 comments|post comment

[02 Apr 2004|08:40am] I told Michelle she could smack me if I didn't update by today and I'm not a big fan of violence so here ya go. It's amazing how extremely oppisite we are in some cases. I see the glass half full, she sees it half empty. I've always been the enternal optimmist. I have no idea why that is really, seeing as situations I've been in for the last two years would cause me to lean the other way. Take the whole thing with Maverick for example. I guess with everything that went down, one couldn't blame me if I wanted to kill someone after it. And I did, but I guess in the end I realized that it was probably for the better. We picked up some extremely valuable expirence and information (everything we don't want in a label) and now we know for the future. See? Eternal optimist. That's not to say Michelle's an eternal pessimist, she's just....more realistic, I guess. To me, if something happens, it's for a reason. I mean, there's a couple of things you can do if something bad happens. You could cower, you could ignore it, or you could learn. I choose to learn, I guess. You make what you can of what you're given, even if it isn't the best of circumstances. Michelle being here, being with me.....was amazing. I didn't expect her to show up on Monday, but there she was with a hesitant smile and a suitcase. I took full advantage, spending every second possible in gloomy Minnesota, where we were. It was nice, even if the weather wasn't. I don't think words can truly explain was she does to me. Even after all this time, she still leaves me completely speechless. It's crazy, I'm telling you. But now she's gone and I'm here and it sucks. I'll be seeing her in a week and a half but everytime she leaves, it seems like I won't bee seeing her for another year. It just kills me. I should get used to it, but at the same time...I don't want to. Getting used to that means I'm getting used to her and I don't want to, almost. It's just too fucking great when she's with me and to get used to her would mean that feeling is diluted. And that is something I don't want. This is just a ramble and I know most of you won't read but the only one that matters will and that's all I care about. Bye. 7 comments|post comment

[23 Mar 2004|02:26pm] I don't even know what's going on here anymore. It's all become one show after the other, playing, traveling and the like. I think the only good thing about it all is that we're going to have a friend of ors come and help us soon and that'll be good. His name's Paul Christianson, and if I weren't lazy, I'd link you all to his site, but too bad? he's the one who got that video of me dancing that Michelle like to torture me with. He's a good friend of our, and he's taking over the econd guitarist duties since we're short one right now. Speaking of Michelle. It all comes back to her, doesn't it? I miss her so much it's sickening. I'm certain Nick and Hannah want to kill me, but it's not something I can exactly help so they've gotten used to it. It's ten times better than the wallowing I used to do, so they welcome the change for the most part. She came to see me Friday, after telling me that she wasn't coming.How evil is that? I did manage to exact my revenge by sitting her in snow, and throwing snowballs at her, though. ;) After, we went inside and change, then lay out in bed until we both fell asleep. She fell asleep before me, which is a rare occurance and I watched her lay there and yeah. It's so cheesy and cliched but I wanted to do that and so I did. I also woke up before her and just when she woke up, I couldn't not kiss her, what else do you expect me to do? We've spoken on the phone and such, but I still miss her a tremendous amount, you know? I'll be seeing her in a cuple of weeks and it really could not come soon enough. Ok, I'm ending this here, I'm sure it has a ton of typos I'm too lazy to fix. I'll be seeing you? 9 comments|post comment

[13 Mar 2004|12:18pm] I promised I'd update with something of substance, but I'm not sure how much this will have. Maybe I'm more protective of Michelle than I care to admit. Her and Isaac are....more friendly than I would expect her to be and I would be lying if I say it didn't make me slighly jealous. Honestly, I know that's she my girlfriend and we're together and she's never do anything like that but still. It make me jealous. Slightly. But moving on. We randomly decided to roadtrip. Drive down to Charlotte, making many stops in between. First stop: the city of New York, New York. The mission: Shopping. Well, for her anyway. I'll just be sitting and staring at my watch. As I have been for the last 3 hours or so. I at least got to pick where we ate lunch, so that's a plus? We're so used to each other, it's kind of scary. Once we got over that awkward first couple of hours or so, it's almost been like falling on to the deal we had going when we were "just friends" just....heightened, I guess you could say. There's more joking around, more laughing, and much more affection. We'll argue over stupid things, like what we listen to or where we eat. But in the end, we'll agree or one of us will give in (ususally me, which is the saddest part) but there are times I'm so completely stubborn and so is she so we kind of stand still until we choose something completely different from what either of us wanted in the first place. So no one wins. This is all I can muster at the moment, and my girlfriend (oh how I love saying that) is harassing me to continue on with the shopping. Or in my case, the moaning and groaning until she lets me follow her into the dressing room, I MEAN WHAT :-x In any case, this entry is done. 49 comments|post comment

[09 Mar 2004|09:00am] Yeah, I forgot how to update. Blame Michelle, all right. 20 comments|post comment

[29 Feb 2004|10:18pm] [ mood | cheerful ] I don't think the color white has ever been as intimidating as it is right now. I've been sitting here, staring at this white box for about half an hour while Michelle takes a shower. I swear, it's just like "hahahahaha you can't update, Justin Tosco!" and I start to wonder if I'm going insane. I'm probably well past that, but can you blame me? I mean, really. I could go over all the stuff she and I have been doing since we got here but it's boring and not worth talking about here. You'd be snoozing in your seats. Of course, it may be boring to you, but somehow, even going to the grocery store has become exciting and worthwhile because it's with her. Is that slightly strange? Probably, but it doesn't matter to me at all. Just being with her makes life exciting and fun. Fate is something that can't be fought. Whatever's meant to happen will eventually happen, even if you have to nudge it a little. Sometimes a push and a shove is required to make things happen, because life doesn't just fall into your lap. That may seem contradictory, but think about it. Sometimes just things just need to be pushed slightly and it all clicks into place. I'm rambling, if only to cover up that oh so intimidating white box. I've started to loosen up a little, after having been so uptight over stupid things in this last month or so. I'm not going to push things anymore, because there is no nudging needed. Now? I'm just going to follow along and have things happen when they're supposed to. There's no sense in forcing thing along now, is there? 26 comments|post comment

She only likes this icon, I have no idea why. [25 Feb 2004|07:37pm] I'm not a big fan of airplanes. They're pretty awful, when you think about it. How do you expect these huge chunks of metal to stay suspended in the air? I certainly don't know. Needless to say, I was nervous about the flight today. I had no idea I was going until last night, really, and so packing up stuff proved to be an adventure. I am the typical males, so all my clothes were on the floor, dirty as hell. Michelle helped me wash them because I am dumb and don't know how to use the washer. I can't tell you how she does it. She capitivtes me in this way that no one ever have. It was so hard to cover it up, pretend like it didn't matter, like she didn't matter. Being open, being free makes life so much asier. It's lifted this weight of my shoulders and I can finally breathe easily again. All she had to do was hold my hand and I was calm. She's like a sedative, calming and easily addictive. I can feel it happening, and I have to say. There's nothing else I'd rather have happen. 54 comments|post comment

She's leaving it up to me, I guess. [23 Feb 2004|07:36pm] I've never been good with words. I guess that's a weird thing, since O've made my living off of writing words, or have tired to, anyhow. So let me rephrase that. I've never been good with words when it really, truly mattered. It's her. it's always been her, I think you could safely say. There's just always seemed this aspect of her that was unreachable, unable to touch....and no matter how hard I tried, I could never get through to that aspect. She hid the really important stuff from me, the stuff I wanted, no what I needed to hear from her. It's what kept me from doing anything drastic that would otherwise ruin the friendsip that we had spent three years devolping. After the first try that I never gave enough effort to out of fear failed, I tried in vain to build other relatiionships. It never worked, though, because every single time, I compared them to Michelle, and holding back that part of me that I only wanted to give to her. She was always the only one that mattered. After awhile, I eneventually gave up, submersing myself I the music I wrote, hoping it would provide some comfort. Speaking of which, I guess I used music as another way of being close to her. She was the only person ever in my min for "Without You." Why? Because I only used it as a way of getting close to her. Yes, that may seem slightly superficial, but if you were to carefully listen to most of the songs on justincase you'd see nearly nevery song was written about her. That's not something I've admitted to anyone before, because admitting that would be admitting the feelings I worked so hard to keep under wraps for all that time. But at the same time, I kept hoping she'd hear it in the lyrics, see what I actually felt. I suppose to vagueness of it all kept that from happening. That worked for a couple of months, but recently, I began to realize that I'd never be happy if I kept living this way. I had to do something about it. I didn't want to live this way forever, miserable because I wasn't brave enough to speak up. So I did. ( cut tag here ) 8 comments|post comment

[21 Feb 2004|11:31am] [ mood | anxious ] I need a wrecking ball to take down the brick wall you've built around yourself. More later. post comment

[16 Feb 2004|08:12pm] I've come back to this blank space a couple of times, as if what I want to to say will come out any easier than it did before. I only find that it becomes more difficult with time, as if every second, the feeling slips further away. You ever get that feeling that you're missing out on everything the world has to offer? I've blocked myself off from everything and everyone lately, including the one person I want to open myself up to again. I've been keeping to myself for the last couple of weeks and I really want to let her know exactly what's on my mind no matter what repercussions it may bring. it's hard to say things though, because there's always that fear that she'll laugh in my face or be completely weirded out by it. It's also not something I can just say in casual conversation over the phone. It has to be face to face. I'm being cyrptic, but maybe the one person that matters will get it. I don't know. I hope so. post comment

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